Affliction: Chapter 3
Sep. 14th, 2017 08:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matsu1ninoTitle: Affliction
Pairing: Matsumiya, Arashi/Jun
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: Plot is mine, Arashi is not. Unfortunately.
Summary: It was better that they just forget about him. It would hurt less in the long run.
Author's Note: Cannot tell you how many times I've rewritten this story. Indecisiveness and perfectionism is a terrible combination to have.
Chapter 3
Day after day Jun’s revised schedule continued, and night after night he would return to either his family home to be treated privately by the visiting nurse assigned to him or to hospital if the treatment he required was expected to be more severe. His parents were overly insistent on him moving back home. They had been frantic by the mere thought of him being alone in his apartment while receiving treatments, fearing something may happen to him when no one else was there. It had taken some convincing but eventually Jun caved to their demands and returned home, deciding in the long run it was probably for the best. He believed it was more for his parents’ own peace of mind that he move back but didn’t question them about it. He had barely been spending any time in his own place since the cancer was found anyway.
During times when he received his therapy at home, his parents did everything they could to assist the nurse in doing her job. Jun felt quite sorry for her. She was growing considerably exasperated by their efforts to help, something which only he seemed to have noticed as his parents’ over-caring tendencies persisted through the weeks and made the poor nurse’s life beyond difficult. Megumi had taken time off work against Jun’s wishes and practically moved back into their parents’ home as well. Already he’d tried on several occasions to talk her out of staying there. He hated the thought of his sister neglecting her own family for his sake, despite knowing they would understand her plight and support them both. Every time Jun brought it up with her though, Megumi would outright refuse to leave his side until she was certain he was on his way to recovery.
Jun’s work schedule was an entanglement of chaos and confusion. Recordings were broken up into short intervals slotted between the irregular breaks he was forced to take to return home. He knew both the staff of their regular shows and his manager were jumping through hoops to ensure all activities which he was still able to partake in worked around his treatments and random absences. The other members would continue any work that could be done without him and they would all pick up from where they left off once Jun returned without so much as a word as to where he’d been. His family were cautious every time he left the house with only a vague explanation of where he was going and why, and would fret over him like mad when he returned an hour or two later. By the end of each day, Jun was left utterly shattered. He felt he had no choice but to persevere in his desperate struggle to juggle both his cancer treatments and his responsibilities as an idol. It was the only way he could hope to keep his life.
Even after a month of this routine, Jun still had not become accustomed to the fact that he had cancer. It was exhausting in ways he’d never experienced before. His body felt like it was being torn apart and rebuilt weaker every day while the mental strain of maintaining a façade of being the same idol that the world knew him as was doing his condition absolutely no favours. Attempting to retain his lifestyle for the sake of remaining in Arashi had gone from encouraging to tedious to just plain painful. The extent of what he was physically allowed to do had dropped significantly over the weeks, with the majority of his contribution to their regular activities by the end of the first month being his presence alone. On more than one occasion he had considered quitting altogether and although he immediately discarded the thought every time it crossed his mind, telling himself yet again it was far too early to be taking such extreme measures, his faith was beginning to slip away that this really was the case. He felt like he was constantly moving back and forth from the set to his home or the hospital for his next treatment or check-up.
The chemotherapy itself was more unbearable than Jun imagined it to be. He thought the first treatment would surely be the worst as his body was thrown into shock from the drugs’ initial effect but as each cycle went on, he quickly realized there was no getting used to the torturous experience inflicted upon his weakening body with every treatment. The side effects came into force much faster than he’d been anticipating. Fever developed and his body temperatures fluctuated at an alarming rate. He felt nauseous for days; his limbs became numb, his stomach was purged countless times even when it was empty to begin with, and there was pain in just about every joint in his body.
As the treatments went on, his appetite became virtually non-existent. Jun hoped the side effects would only be present during or immediately after each chemotherapy cycle, so was more than distraught to learn some lasted even days afterwards. He could recall at least two times in the last week where he’d been on set with the other members and needed to rush out in the middle of their recording as a wave of nausea hit him without warning. They were instances both the members and staff certainly took notice of. Several people had endeavoured to question him about it later on but Jun refused to admit anything was wrong, instead claiming it was his body’s natural response to the pneumonia he was recovering from. He knew he’d fooled no one.
While obviously suspicious, none of the members knew anything other than what Jun had told them, at least not that he was aware of. They’d heard about the changes in his schedule and most definitely witnessed a noticeable pull back from their youngest in his level of participation in their engagements, though none had outright asked why. Jun couldn’t think of any way that they might have found out more than what he’d chosen to tell them. Johnny had said it was solely his decision and responsibility to inform the other members, so it was doubtful they’d have heard anything from those few who already knew the truth of his condition. However the change in their recent behaviour was hard to miss and ever harder to ignore. Sho had been shadowing him for days, so much so that Jun was about ready to tell him to back off and give him space to breathe. He was acting much like a fretful mother in the way he constantly bombarded Jun with questions about how much he’d eaten in the last hour and if he had been sleeping enough recently, as well as making sudden claims that he looked thin right before whisking the younger man off somewhere against his will to find some food which he would then force Jun to eat.
Aiba was being even more clingy than usual. Jun had a bruise on his side from the first time he saw Aiba in person following the fabricated news of his condition, in which Aiba had literally flung himself at Jun and refused to let go as he sobbed in relief that he was alive. His words were left to haunt Jun days and even weeks later as they reinstated the fear of telling the other four members about the severity of his real condition.
Nino had given him the cold shoulder for the first few days but Jun would be lying if he said he hadn’t sort of been expecting it. He’d known Nino long enough to know it was how he typically reacted in situations when he was frustrated with someone else for any number of reasons. What took Jun by surprise was not his behaviour but for how short a period it lasted. Normally his sulking could last for anywhere up to a few weeks, if what had prompted it was upsetting enough, or until he decided the other person had been punished enough—the last time Jun had gotten sick and tried to hide it, Nino refused to talk to him directly for almost a week—but this time it was only a matter of days before he supposedly returned to his usual self. He was still somewhat distant with Jun compared to normal and the affection he showed both on and off screen was lacking, but the swiftness in which he let things go this time was enough to make Jun paranoid. Not once did Nino ever bring up the latter’s health in conversation.
Jun could have sworn he felt Ohno’s eyes on him every time they were together, watching him from a distance. The older man never openly intruded on his space in the way Sho was doing, nor did he demonstrate excessive care or noticeably uncharacteristic behaviour like Aiba or Nino, but his presence was always felt. Jun honestly didn’t know whether this made him glad or frightened.
In hindsight, Jun probably should have known he would never be able to keep up with the gruelling lifestyle that had become his day-to-day routine. Perhaps some small part of him did know it was only a matter of time before his weakening body finally gave out but if there was, it was a part of himself he’d buried deep in his subconscious as his own vanity of being able to achieve even the impossible fought to shine through in his darkest moments. Sitting in the hospital consultation room only six weeks following his diagnosis, with his family standing by his side and the feeling of impending disaster bearing down on him, Jun knew it had been his downfall.
“I am afraid, Matsumoto-san, we will need to admit you to intensive care.”
The doctor’s statement struck him like a hard blow to the chest. They were words he had feared hearing since first being diagnosed with a terminal illness. In his research about his condition the night he discovered he had cancer, Jun stumbled across several articles explaining the purpose of palliative care and read through many living and deceased patients’ stories from their time in the intensive care unit. The things he’d read then terrified him and had stayed with him all this time, driving him to do everything in his power to keep his treatments out of hospital as much as possible. That fear had been reignited with every visit to hospital he’d been made to make over the last month and a half.
The past two weeks he noticed his cough worsening while the pains in his chest were making it harder and harder to breathe, but he refused to accept his condition was deteriorating further, knowing it could only lead to being admitted to hospital. He’d discreetly consulted with the visiting nurse about ways in which he could help his cancer management along and did everything she suggested. Yet it still hadn’t been enough. His condition had reached the point of needing to be hospitalized and was everything Jun feared could happen to him. He knew exactly what intensive care meant for him and the impact it would have on his life from here on out. Things would only get worse. Jun saw no possible way for him to remain in Arashi now. The truth from his lies would come to light, rumours were at risk of spreading now that he was being admitted to hospital, and the members would hate him for lying and ruining their lives along with his own. Like an invisible chain bound between them, the five of them were connected and would be till the end. So when his cancer caused their success to sink, Jun would pull the other four down to drown alongside him. It was the reality of his circumstances but accepting it was not something Jun could bring himself to do.
He was vaguely aware of his family questioning the doctor on what it would mean for him, for how long he would be required to stay in intensive care, what treatments they would be able to provide for him there and whether it would increase his chances of survival—all things Jun knew he would need and want to know, though he could not remember how listen at that moment. He caught bits and pieces of the explanation the doctor was providing his family, hearing mention of the name of the nurse who had been treating him over the last few weeks and the reports she’d made to the hospital regarding his deteriorating health. Jun shut his eyes as the painful connection was made. Over the last fortnight he had admittedly noticed the nurse’s visitations were happening at a declining rate. He’d naïvely hoped it meant he was recuperating even as he balanced his condition with his regular lifestyle, but now he knew he was sorely mistaken.
Jun and his family were led through the hospital to the intensive care unit where he would be staying for the next unestablished period of time. The doctor told them the duration of intensive care tended to differ for each individual patient depending on how their bodies responded to treatment and possible relapses, and could range from anywhere between a month and a lifetime. His words did not provide Jun with any confidence. Already he felt like his body was failing to respond to any treatment he had been given prior to now and really any time he spent in intensive care would be too long. Unlike most patients, he did not have a life that would wait for him. Even a month away from his lifestyle would be more than enough to ruin things. Weeks off would diminish the tolerance for high-level activity and movement with little sleep that his body had built up over time. The straining impact of his cancer treatment would only weaken his body further. His absence was something that could not be disguised or hidden. Fans would question, the media would run wild with rumours and accusations, and his bandmates would be lost wondering what had happened to their fifth member. With this in mind, Jun paid little attention to the tour he and his family were given of this glorified prison.
The section of the hospital they were in was considerably different to the parts Jun had come to during previous check-ups. The air itself felt still and lifeless; it was undeniably quieter. There were more people around, staff and patients alike, but they moved more like wandering spirits than living beings. Not a single head turned even as they walked through the halls and general communal areas. Jun’s awareness instinctively lifted as he moved unnoticed alongside his family through the specialized unit. He couldn’t remember the last time he was able to pass through a public space, undisguised and without a camera crew, and not draw the attention of just about everyone around him. It felt wrong. The atmosphere on this side of the hospital was utterly lifeless. As his gaze moved from person to person, searching for even the slightest trace of familiarity to flicker in their eyes despite them not even looking in his direction, Jun wondered just what these people had endured to reach this point of being alive without living. There was no happiness, emotion or feeling anywhere to be found in this bleak, dead place. Jun swallowed hard when a haunting stray thought entered his mind. In a few weeks, months or years, was this what he would be like as well?
The private room that would be home until further notice was the last location Jun and his family were shown. Johnny’s had arranged the room with the hospital in order to maintain the idol’s privacy, not that Jun felt it was all that necessary after seeing the severe lack of reaction from those they’d already seen residing in intensive care. A member of staff was waiting for them at the room. The doctor proceeded to introduce her to Jun and his family, explaining she was the palliative nurse assigned to him during his stay in intensive care.
Jun kept silent and avoided looking directly at his new nurse. He’d seen the fleeting glimmer in her eye, one he was used to seeing whenever people recognized him and gave their all to keep from letting it show. He figured the doctor would have given her some sort of prior notice of who would be under her care from now on but Jun supposed it would still come as a shock for anyone to suddenly encounter a national idol in the hospital’s intensive care unit even with a warning. After the lack of response from everyone else earlier, he thought it would have come as a relief to be in the company of someone who knew who he was again but Jun couldn’t feel anything at that point other than misery of having to remain here.
“It’ll be a long battle, for you as well as your family,” the doctor moved his gaze from Jun to his family and back again. Seemingly able to sense Jun’s despair, he looked to the nurse. “We should let Matsumoto-san get settled.” The nurse dipped her head in understanding before the two of them bit their farewell.
His parents and sister helped to settle him into the private room. While Jun tried to appreciate their support, he just wanted to be alone. They were obviously reluctant to leave him and continued to prolong their departure through repeated checks that he was comfortable and had everything he needed for the time being. His hints for them to leave went unnoticed or else were completely ignored.
“We’ll come back in the morning,” he mother promised as they slowly made their way to the door, having finally realized they should probably leave. Jun nodded reluctantly in acknowledgement, knowing even if he were to tell them not to bother that they wouldn’t listen to him.
“Call us if you need anything,” said Megumi. Her tone was enough for Jun to recognize she was being serious and if she were to find out he neglected to do as she’d said and ask if he needed anything at all, he would have hell to pay.
He nodded again. “I will.”
Watching as his family finally dragged themselves out of his room to head home, Jun let out the breath he’d been holding. Having them leave took far longer than he’d have liked. It wasn’t just that he wanted to be alone; he didn’t feel like he could bear to be in the company of anyone else when he felt this way. Family or not, he despised when anyone saw his weakness and right now he was feeling at his absolute weakest. His body was losing to the cancer, enough to land him in this desolate place. Worst still Jun didn’t know how to fight it. His promise was clear in his mind, making him feel like a complete hypocrite. The confusion of what was happening to him was only causing his already elevated anxiety levels to rise. His life was tumbling into disorder and he didn’t even know why.
In the isolation of his hospital room, Jun let his head drop. The shadows of his hair concealed the silent tears as they ran down his cheeks. His breathing hitched but he choked back even the slightest noise that threatened to sound, not willing to risk having someone overhear him. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. Not his family or strangers, not even himself. The shame was too great.
Pairing: Matsumiya, Arashi/Jun
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: Plot is mine, Arashi is not. Unfortunately.
Summary: It was better that they just forget about him. It would hurt less in the long run.
Author's Note: Cannot tell you how many times I've rewritten this story. Indecisiveness and perfectionism is a terrible combination to have.
Chapter 3
Day after day Jun’s revised schedule continued, and night after night he would return to either his family home to be treated privately by the visiting nurse assigned to him or to hospital if the treatment he required was expected to be more severe. His parents were overly insistent on him moving back home. They had been frantic by the mere thought of him being alone in his apartment while receiving treatments, fearing something may happen to him when no one else was there. It had taken some convincing but eventually Jun caved to their demands and returned home, deciding in the long run it was probably for the best. He believed it was more for his parents’ own peace of mind that he move back but didn’t question them about it. He had barely been spending any time in his own place since the cancer was found anyway.
During times when he received his therapy at home, his parents did everything they could to assist the nurse in doing her job. Jun felt quite sorry for her. She was growing considerably exasperated by their efforts to help, something which only he seemed to have noticed as his parents’ over-caring tendencies persisted through the weeks and made the poor nurse’s life beyond difficult. Megumi had taken time off work against Jun’s wishes and practically moved back into their parents’ home as well. Already he’d tried on several occasions to talk her out of staying there. He hated the thought of his sister neglecting her own family for his sake, despite knowing they would understand her plight and support them both. Every time Jun brought it up with her though, Megumi would outright refuse to leave his side until she was certain he was on his way to recovery.
Jun’s work schedule was an entanglement of chaos and confusion. Recordings were broken up into short intervals slotted between the irregular breaks he was forced to take to return home. He knew both the staff of their regular shows and his manager were jumping through hoops to ensure all activities which he was still able to partake in worked around his treatments and random absences. The other members would continue any work that could be done without him and they would all pick up from where they left off once Jun returned without so much as a word as to where he’d been. His family were cautious every time he left the house with only a vague explanation of where he was going and why, and would fret over him like mad when he returned an hour or two later. By the end of each day, Jun was left utterly shattered. He felt he had no choice but to persevere in his desperate struggle to juggle both his cancer treatments and his responsibilities as an idol. It was the only way he could hope to keep his life.
Even after a month of this routine, Jun still had not become accustomed to the fact that he had cancer. It was exhausting in ways he’d never experienced before. His body felt like it was being torn apart and rebuilt weaker every day while the mental strain of maintaining a façade of being the same idol that the world knew him as was doing his condition absolutely no favours. Attempting to retain his lifestyle for the sake of remaining in Arashi had gone from encouraging to tedious to just plain painful. The extent of what he was physically allowed to do had dropped significantly over the weeks, with the majority of his contribution to their regular activities by the end of the first month being his presence alone. On more than one occasion he had considered quitting altogether and although he immediately discarded the thought every time it crossed his mind, telling himself yet again it was far too early to be taking such extreme measures, his faith was beginning to slip away that this really was the case. He felt like he was constantly moving back and forth from the set to his home or the hospital for his next treatment or check-up.
The chemotherapy itself was more unbearable than Jun imagined it to be. He thought the first treatment would surely be the worst as his body was thrown into shock from the drugs’ initial effect but as each cycle went on, he quickly realized there was no getting used to the torturous experience inflicted upon his weakening body with every treatment. The side effects came into force much faster than he’d been anticipating. Fever developed and his body temperatures fluctuated at an alarming rate. He felt nauseous for days; his limbs became numb, his stomach was purged countless times even when it was empty to begin with, and there was pain in just about every joint in his body.
As the treatments went on, his appetite became virtually non-existent. Jun hoped the side effects would only be present during or immediately after each chemotherapy cycle, so was more than distraught to learn some lasted even days afterwards. He could recall at least two times in the last week where he’d been on set with the other members and needed to rush out in the middle of their recording as a wave of nausea hit him without warning. They were instances both the members and staff certainly took notice of. Several people had endeavoured to question him about it later on but Jun refused to admit anything was wrong, instead claiming it was his body’s natural response to the pneumonia he was recovering from. He knew he’d fooled no one.
While obviously suspicious, none of the members knew anything other than what Jun had told them, at least not that he was aware of. They’d heard about the changes in his schedule and most definitely witnessed a noticeable pull back from their youngest in his level of participation in their engagements, though none had outright asked why. Jun couldn’t think of any way that they might have found out more than what he’d chosen to tell them. Johnny had said it was solely his decision and responsibility to inform the other members, so it was doubtful they’d have heard anything from those few who already knew the truth of his condition. However the change in their recent behaviour was hard to miss and ever harder to ignore. Sho had been shadowing him for days, so much so that Jun was about ready to tell him to back off and give him space to breathe. He was acting much like a fretful mother in the way he constantly bombarded Jun with questions about how much he’d eaten in the last hour and if he had been sleeping enough recently, as well as making sudden claims that he looked thin right before whisking the younger man off somewhere against his will to find some food which he would then force Jun to eat.
Aiba was being even more clingy than usual. Jun had a bruise on his side from the first time he saw Aiba in person following the fabricated news of his condition, in which Aiba had literally flung himself at Jun and refused to let go as he sobbed in relief that he was alive. His words were left to haunt Jun days and even weeks later as they reinstated the fear of telling the other four members about the severity of his real condition.
Nino had given him the cold shoulder for the first few days but Jun would be lying if he said he hadn’t sort of been expecting it. He’d known Nino long enough to know it was how he typically reacted in situations when he was frustrated with someone else for any number of reasons. What took Jun by surprise was not his behaviour but for how short a period it lasted. Normally his sulking could last for anywhere up to a few weeks, if what had prompted it was upsetting enough, or until he decided the other person had been punished enough—the last time Jun had gotten sick and tried to hide it, Nino refused to talk to him directly for almost a week—but this time it was only a matter of days before he supposedly returned to his usual self. He was still somewhat distant with Jun compared to normal and the affection he showed both on and off screen was lacking, but the swiftness in which he let things go this time was enough to make Jun paranoid. Not once did Nino ever bring up the latter’s health in conversation.
Jun could have sworn he felt Ohno’s eyes on him every time they were together, watching him from a distance. The older man never openly intruded on his space in the way Sho was doing, nor did he demonstrate excessive care or noticeably uncharacteristic behaviour like Aiba or Nino, but his presence was always felt. Jun honestly didn’t know whether this made him glad or frightened.
In hindsight, Jun probably should have known he would never be able to keep up with the gruelling lifestyle that had become his day-to-day routine. Perhaps some small part of him did know it was only a matter of time before his weakening body finally gave out but if there was, it was a part of himself he’d buried deep in his subconscious as his own vanity of being able to achieve even the impossible fought to shine through in his darkest moments. Sitting in the hospital consultation room only six weeks following his diagnosis, with his family standing by his side and the feeling of impending disaster bearing down on him, Jun knew it had been his downfall.
“I am afraid, Matsumoto-san, we will need to admit you to intensive care.”
The doctor’s statement struck him like a hard blow to the chest. They were words he had feared hearing since first being diagnosed with a terminal illness. In his research about his condition the night he discovered he had cancer, Jun stumbled across several articles explaining the purpose of palliative care and read through many living and deceased patients’ stories from their time in the intensive care unit. The things he’d read then terrified him and had stayed with him all this time, driving him to do everything in his power to keep his treatments out of hospital as much as possible. That fear had been reignited with every visit to hospital he’d been made to make over the last month and a half.
The past two weeks he noticed his cough worsening while the pains in his chest were making it harder and harder to breathe, but he refused to accept his condition was deteriorating further, knowing it could only lead to being admitted to hospital. He’d discreetly consulted with the visiting nurse about ways in which he could help his cancer management along and did everything she suggested. Yet it still hadn’t been enough. His condition had reached the point of needing to be hospitalized and was everything Jun feared could happen to him. He knew exactly what intensive care meant for him and the impact it would have on his life from here on out. Things would only get worse. Jun saw no possible way for him to remain in Arashi now. The truth from his lies would come to light, rumours were at risk of spreading now that he was being admitted to hospital, and the members would hate him for lying and ruining their lives along with his own. Like an invisible chain bound between them, the five of them were connected and would be till the end. So when his cancer caused their success to sink, Jun would pull the other four down to drown alongside him. It was the reality of his circumstances but accepting it was not something Jun could bring himself to do.
He was vaguely aware of his family questioning the doctor on what it would mean for him, for how long he would be required to stay in intensive care, what treatments they would be able to provide for him there and whether it would increase his chances of survival—all things Jun knew he would need and want to know, though he could not remember how listen at that moment. He caught bits and pieces of the explanation the doctor was providing his family, hearing mention of the name of the nurse who had been treating him over the last few weeks and the reports she’d made to the hospital regarding his deteriorating health. Jun shut his eyes as the painful connection was made. Over the last fortnight he had admittedly noticed the nurse’s visitations were happening at a declining rate. He’d naïvely hoped it meant he was recuperating even as he balanced his condition with his regular lifestyle, but now he knew he was sorely mistaken.
Jun and his family were led through the hospital to the intensive care unit where he would be staying for the next unestablished period of time. The doctor told them the duration of intensive care tended to differ for each individual patient depending on how their bodies responded to treatment and possible relapses, and could range from anywhere between a month and a lifetime. His words did not provide Jun with any confidence. Already he felt like his body was failing to respond to any treatment he had been given prior to now and really any time he spent in intensive care would be too long. Unlike most patients, he did not have a life that would wait for him. Even a month away from his lifestyle would be more than enough to ruin things. Weeks off would diminish the tolerance for high-level activity and movement with little sleep that his body had built up over time. The straining impact of his cancer treatment would only weaken his body further. His absence was something that could not be disguised or hidden. Fans would question, the media would run wild with rumours and accusations, and his bandmates would be lost wondering what had happened to their fifth member. With this in mind, Jun paid little attention to the tour he and his family were given of this glorified prison.
The section of the hospital they were in was considerably different to the parts Jun had come to during previous check-ups. The air itself felt still and lifeless; it was undeniably quieter. There were more people around, staff and patients alike, but they moved more like wandering spirits than living beings. Not a single head turned even as they walked through the halls and general communal areas. Jun’s awareness instinctively lifted as he moved unnoticed alongside his family through the specialized unit. He couldn’t remember the last time he was able to pass through a public space, undisguised and without a camera crew, and not draw the attention of just about everyone around him. It felt wrong. The atmosphere on this side of the hospital was utterly lifeless. As his gaze moved from person to person, searching for even the slightest trace of familiarity to flicker in their eyes despite them not even looking in his direction, Jun wondered just what these people had endured to reach this point of being alive without living. There was no happiness, emotion or feeling anywhere to be found in this bleak, dead place. Jun swallowed hard when a haunting stray thought entered his mind. In a few weeks, months or years, was this what he would be like as well?
The private room that would be home until further notice was the last location Jun and his family were shown. Johnny’s had arranged the room with the hospital in order to maintain the idol’s privacy, not that Jun felt it was all that necessary after seeing the severe lack of reaction from those they’d already seen residing in intensive care. A member of staff was waiting for them at the room. The doctor proceeded to introduce her to Jun and his family, explaining she was the palliative nurse assigned to him during his stay in intensive care.
Jun kept silent and avoided looking directly at his new nurse. He’d seen the fleeting glimmer in her eye, one he was used to seeing whenever people recognized him and gave their all to keep from letting it show. He figured the doctor would have given her some sort of prior notice of who would be under her care from now on but Jun supposed it would still come as a shock for anyone to suddenly encounter a national idol in the hospital’s intensive care unit even with a warning. After the lack of response from everyone else earlier, he thought it would have come as a relief to be in the company of someone who knew who he was again but Jun couldn’t feel anything at that point other than misery of having to remain here.
“It’ll be a long battle, for you as well as your family,” the doctor moved his gaze from Jun to his family and back again. Seemingly able to sense Jun’s despair, he looked to the nurse. “We should let Matsumoto-san get settled.” The nurse dipped her head in understanding before the two of them bit their farewell.
His parents and sister helped to settle him into the private room. While Jun tried to appreciate their support, he just wanted to be alone. They were obviously reluctant to leave him and continued to prolong their departure through repeated checks that he was comfortable and had everything he needed for the time being. His hints for them to leave went unnoticed or else were completely ignored.
“We’ll come back in the morning,” he mother promised as they slowly made their way to the door, having finally realized they should probably leave. Jun nodded reluctantly in acknowledgement, knowing even if he were to tell them not to bother that they wouldn’t listen to him.
“Call us if you need anything,” said Megumi. Her tone was enough for Jun to recognize she was being serious and if she were to find out he neglected to do as she’d said and ask if he needed anything at all, he would have hell to pay.
He nodded again. “I will.”
Watching as his family finally dragged themselves out of his room to head home, Jun let out the breath he’d been holding. Having them leave took far longer than he’d have liked. It wasn’t just that he wanted to be alone; he didn’t feel like he could bear to be in the company of anyone else when he felt this way. Family or not, he despised when anyone saw his weakness and right now he was feeling at his absolute weakest. His body was losing to the cancer, enough to land him in this desolate place. Worst still Jun didn’t know how to fight it. His promise was clear in his mind, making him feel like a complete hypocrite. The confusion of what was happening to him was only causing his already elevated anxiety levels to rise. His life was tumbling into disorder and he didn’t even know why.
In the isolation of his hospital room, Jun let his head drop. The shadows of his hair concealed the silent tears as they ran down his cheeks. His breathing hitched but he choked back even the slightest noise that threatened to sound, not willing to risk having someone overhear him. He didn’t want anyone to see him like this. Not his family or strangers, not even himself. The shame was too great.
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Date: 2017-09-15 03:35 am (UTC)I cant imagine how the rest of the members react when jun told them it's not pneumonia.. sho being a caring/overprotective mother and aiba clinging onto him + nino's avoidance is so on point!
Now the last bit is even more depressing... as if it isn't depressing enough T_T aiya... how will the members react... and poor jun, at this rate u basically just dont have any more words to say... like words of encouragement would just be empty sort of feeling :(