Affliction: Chapter 2
Sep. 5th, 2017 08:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matsu1ninoTitle: Affliction
Pairing: Matsumiya, Arashi/Jun
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: Plot is mine, Arashi is not. Unfortunately.
Summary: It was better that they just forget about him. It would hurt less in the long run.
Author's Note: More bias torture.
Chapter 2
The evening his condition was discovered had changed Jun’s life. Everything else suddenly became meaningless as an imminent death linger over him. The cancer was a curse on his life; a dark cloud that could not be shaken, hovering closer and closer until it threatened everything he held dear in his life. The doctor had been insistent on him staying overnight in the hospital for at least the first day following his diagnosis. Jun wanted to object but his enduring shock kept him compliant. Sleep did not come that night. His mind refused to rest, unable to even consider the prospect of sleep after all he’d been through. He was dying. He saw no point in trying to deny the obvious when even the experts had practically admitted it themselves that his chances of survival were virtually none. Eight to ten months was the estimated time frame they’d given him when he asked, immediately making Jun wish he’d kept his mouth shut and remained ignorant to his own timed demise. A brief explanation of what his treatment would consist of had been given to him earlier that evening but he could not remember much from it. Chemotherapy would likely help, they’d told him, but surgery was pointless considering the tumour had already spread. There was one thing the doctor had told him though that remained engraved in his memory no matter how much he longed to forget. Stage four lung cancer could not be cured.
Few people knew of his condition. Jun wasn’t sure who he should tell or in what order. Even how he would break the news to those he cared about was something he knew not how to accomplish. His family, his friends, the company—there was no telling how any of them would handle the announcement of his terminal illness. After hours of endless thought and searching his phone to learn more of his condition, Jun came to the eventual decision to inform the agency first. As long as he was under their management, Johnny’s had control over his life same as they had since the day he’d been handpicked by the president to enter the jimusho. There were strict regulations concerning sickness, injury and just about any hospitalization scenario that those in the agency were required to adhere to. Jun wasn’t aware if cancer was included under the conditions of being in Johnny’s but at least by telling them he hoped he might gain a slightly clearer idea of what he should do next. They’d been remarkably sympathetic to the news, Jun thought. He didn’t know what he was expecting, though on some level he supposed he feared they would end his contract then and there, but the degree of understanding he received upon informing them of his condition came as a pleasant surprise.
The negotiations came soon after as they discussed first and foremost what Jun wanted to do, then potential ways to work around the unfortunate circumstances that had befallen. He would continue his work in Arashi; his manager would reschedule his activities appropriately in conjunction with the doctor’s instruction, limiting the amount of physical and mental strain placed on the idol and freeing enough time in his agenda for the necessary treatments. For the time being the news of his condition was to remain strictly confidential. By doing so it would avoid panic from emerging among fans and keep the media from spreading unwanted scandals that were sure to damage his and Arashi’s reputation. Until further notice or a time when his condition was no longer possible to hide, Jun was given permission to tell only his immediate family and the other members of Arashi.
Jun had sent his parents and sister a message asking to meet with them tomorrow at their family home. He had not said anything else, not wishing to arouse suspicion that something was wrong. Divulging his devastating news would be hard enough to do in person, and he had absolutely no intent of doing it over the phone. Jun couldn’t even imagine how excruciating tomorrow would be. A son showered with affection by his parents, a little brother spoiled by his sister; he knew his family loved him dearly. In all honesty he didn’t want to tell them. To tell them would be to hurt them, and that was the last thing he wanted, but they were his family and at the very least had a right to know their child was nearing the end of his life.
The members were a different story though. Jun knew this the moment he opened his contacts to write a new message in keeping with his promise to Ohno. He typed out a single sentence that read ‘I have cancer’. It was short and to the point, but Jun found himself immediately deleting it. Sending something like that would only cause undesired turmoil. Unlike his family who would be by his side daily to help him in his fight against his disease, the members could not give their time to be with him. Jun doubted they wouldn’t want to or try to regardless, but it was unrealistic to hope it might be possible for them to be there with him. While the agency may have given him leniency with his schedule, he also knew the four of them would be made to work twice as hard in his absence. Their dynamic would change both when he was around and when he wasn’t, and fans would surely notice upset within the group. It was the same as when Aiba had been hospitalized. They would be made to bear the burden of knowing a member was suffering, possibly dying, but be forced to continue smiling for the cameras day in, day out and act as though everything was perfect when really it’d be killing them inside.
Jun couldn’t bring himself to do that to them. He typed out a second message, more reassuring and detailed than the first despite it being but a constructed lie. There was no avoiding some form of distress given Nino was already aware that he was sick and Ohno knew he’d been admitted to hospital, but that didn’t mean Jun had to tell them the truth of his condition straight away. If a simple lie for now was what it took to keep things from coming undone because of him, then so be it. He clicked send. Arashi meant everything to him. Causing pain to the other members was something he wanted to avoid at all costs, even if it meant suffering alone in silence.
There was no describing the feelings of dread Jun experienced when he arrived at his family house late the following morning. The hospital had discharged him for the day under the condition that he would return before 2pm for his first chemotherapy treatment. His manager called him in the taxi on the way and provided him with an update on his revised schedule. The filming for his upcoming drama had been postponed while several advertisement campaigns he’d been signed on had been switched to another member or else cancelled all together. The forthcoming recordings for their regular programs had also been reviewed and adapted to fit with his new activity level restrictions. Jun thanked his manager half-heartedly before hanging up with a sigh. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate all that his manager and the company was doing for him—on the contrary, he was beyond grateful for their strenuous efforts all for the sake of allowing him to stay in the entertainment world as long as possible. But it was difficult to remain positive with all he’d been through and all that was to come. It had taken years to adjust to having such a demanding lifestyle but now, with even just a few things removed, Jun felt bored and disappointed with himself. He always hated whenever people told him he couldn’t do something or that his ideas weren’t possible, and had always strived to prove them wrong by exceeding even his own visions and limits. Now things really were becoming impossible for him and he felt utterly weak.
The taxi arrived at his family’s address but Jun remained inside the vehicle for a while longer as he took a few minutes to collect himself and prepare for what was to come. There was no way of avoiding the confrontation he was about to walk into. It didn’t matter how much he’d tried to prepare himself for this moment prior to coming as all mental preparation vanished the instant he pulled up in front of the house he’d grown up in. Countless memories replayed over in his head while he walked through the yard to the front door, standing there for a moment before using whatever courage he could muster to raise his hand and knock.
“Jun-kun!" It was his sister’s voice that greeted him as the door swung open and Megumi’s arms were thrown around him to envelop him in a tight hug.
The familiar feeling of being in her warm embrace encircled Jun. He reminisced about all the times she’d held him like this in the past. When he’d suffered loneliness as a shy child in primary school or when he was discharged from hospital following his car accident, or had been accepted into Johnny’s without an audition; no matter what the circumstances, Megumi had always acted as an unrivalled support to Jun. It was the same now and was what allowed him to momentarily forget everything else and sink into the embrace that still felt so safe and comforting.
“It’s good to see you.”
Megumi beamed as she pulled out of the hug, much to Jun’s displeasure. He felt a sadness at the loss of her secure touch that made him feel so much like a small child again. The weight of everything he had come to tell his family came rushing back soon after their separation but he was given no time to think of much else before his sister turned on her heel and padded back down the hallway to the living room where Jun guessed their parents were.
“What are you waiting for?” she called after him, glancing back to see he was still standing in the doorway looking dazed. A small smile, half amused and half concerned, made its way onto her face.
Seeing it, Jun pushed the dark thoughts that had been circling his head to the back of his mind for the time being and followed her through the house. As expected their parents were waiting for them in the living area. Jun greeted them both in a kindly manner, apologizing for the sudden disturbance and thanking all three of them for agreeing to see him on such short notice. His mother dismissed his apology by stating he was always welcome while his sister poked fun at his sudden formalities. At the same time his father asked how he’d been.
“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about,” Jun admitted, going off his father’s question. He figured it was the perfect instigation to proceed with what he’d come to discuss, yet his mind drew a blank as all thoughts of what he should say disappeared before he could speak. His throat felt painfully dry, his palms damp from nerves. He’d practiced countless times last night and on the way there with what he would say and how best to say it. Now that he was actually there however, with his family standing before him, the words were lost.
“Is everything okay?” He heard his mother ask, her voice full of worry.
Unable to bring himself to make eye contact with any of them, Jun’s head dropped to his chest. His lips parted and the softest of sounds came out. “I have cancer.”
At first there was only silence that followed his quiet announcement. Jun would have wondered if they had heard him at all, if not for the three pairs of disbelieving eyes he could feel staring him down. He glanced up through his bangs to see the shocked faces of his family members. All of them were seemingly paralysed by the grave news they’d just been delivered. His mother’s eyes were wide and already brimming with tears while his father’s face had drained of all colour. A quiet wail sounded from across the room. Jun dared to turn his gaze to his sister, seeing the way her whole body was trembling from the news. Her hands had come up to cover her mouth and she stared straight back at her little brother, her eyes begging for him to tell her it wasn’t true. Jun held his gaze, his sombre expression deepening as though to silently and ruefully confirm this was real.
“You can be cured though, right?” His father asked, sounding both uncertain and desperate all at once. Jun opened his mouth to say no but closed it again soon after in favour of simply shaking his head. A pang of remorse stabbed at his heart when he saw his mother’s tears final fall.
“There’s an 18% chance of improving,” he said, deliberately providing the combined cancer stage statistic he’d come across in his online searching rather than the lower stage four one the doctor gave him in a weak attempt to keep his family from feeling even worse about his unfavourable circumstances. “But the cancer has spread too far from my lungs to be curable. Whether I live or die, it will be with me forever.”
There was a strangled whimper from behind Megumi’s hands and her knees buckled a moment later. Jun shut his eyes and turned away from the painful sight of watching his sister fall. Regret filled him at having made her come alone instead of allowing her to bring her husband and children as she might normally have done on any other occasion. The agency had been clear with who he could tell and while Jun was certain Megumi would probably end up telling her own family anyway, he felt the need to tell his parents and sister separately first.
Distracted by his sister’s distraught reaction, Jun failed to notice as his father approached him and pulled him into a hug. His hold was next to suffocating even with the way his arms seemed to shake.
“Fight,” was the word that reached Jun’s ears. When they pulled apart, their gazes met. “Do not give up, Jun.”
He nodded tentatively in response and turned to his mother who gave him a weak smile of reassurance. It looked all the more painful with the tear tracks running down her cheeks but Jun did his best to look past it and return the smile, hoping it would trigger some hope within her as well as himself. He risked glancing over at Megumi only to see she would not even try to look at him. She was holding herself with her arms, her head lowered as she bit her trembling bottom lip. Gathering as much strength as he could, Jun approached her.
“I’ll fight, nee-chan,” he promised and reached out to take one of her hands in his. She dared to turn her gaze slightly to look at him. Jun gave her hand a comforting squeeze and forced another smile. “I’m not done with life yet.”
His words seemed to have some sort of an affect as Megumi bowed her head to hide a thin smile which graced her lips. Jun loosened his grip but when he went to draw his hand back, his sister grasped it tight as though refusing to let him go out of fear it would be the last time she got to hold him. Her touch this time was different to what Jun was used to receiving from her. There was none of her usual comfort or security, which had instead been replaced by distress and a sense of dread that only increased his own anxieties of what was to come. He’d hoped by telling his family the burden bearing down on him might lessen somewhat as the people who would be his support through this harrowing time became involved. Instead it did nothing but add guilt to his ever-growing list of overwhelming emotions as he realized once again the torment he was inflicting on those he loved.
Jun returned to the hospital soon after his visit home. Initially he’d intended on staying longer but soon after his disclosure the atmosphere had turned uncomfortable and he found he no longer felt welcome in that household. He knew his family’s affection for him had not been altered in any way by his news—if anything they were demonstrating how much they cared for him now more than ever—but Jun couldn’t help feeling out of place amongst his family now that his condition had been revealed. After the shock and distraught had mostly worn off, he’d sensed their pity for him. It wasn’t what he wanted them to feel. For them to support him like he knew they would was something Jun appreciated and would try hard to show his gratitude for especially after dropping such a bombshell on them, but he didn’t care for being pitied even if it was unintentional.
He left shortly after revealing his news, apologizing once more for the short notice of his arrival. Neither his parents nor his sister acknowledged his polite words, though they were quick to assure him they would be coming to visit him in hospital later that day. Jun did not mention his intention to continue with his activities as an Arashi member. His family had always supported his career wholeheartedly but he couldn’t imagine them ever thinking it was a wise decision to carry on being an idol even while fighting cancer.
On his way back to the hospital, Jun took out his phone in the hopes to distract himself from the unpleasant treatment he was expected to begin once he returned. He’d done some additional research on chemotherapy last night but it had not at all contributed to getting a restful night’s sleep. Reading about the sort of treatments he would be given as well as the potential side effects he’d suffer over the course of the next few months, all the while knowing it would do nothing to cure his cancer all together, Jun was tempted not to return to hospital at all. He would be inflicting awful pain and various forms of torment on his body for a mere chance at a slightly prolonged life. It honestly didn’t seem all that worth it, but Jun would do it. He’d promised his family as well as himself that he would fight and that’s just what he intended on doing. He meant what he’d told Megumi; he wasn’t done with life just yet.
Unlocking his phone, Jun saw there were several new messages. He remembered receiving a text or two last night during his internet searching, though he’d chosen to ignore it at the time. Even as he opened his inbox he was slightly hesitant to see what kind of messages were waiting for him. There were a lot more than he remembered getting last night. All of them were from the other members, Jun realized as he scrolled through each one.
--
10:12pm, Saturday
From: Riida
To: Matsujun
Pneumonia ne? Rest well
--
11:47pm, Saturday
From: Sho-kun
To: Matsujun
Satoshi-kun just told me what happened. Are you alright? You should have told us you were sick. Do you need us to talk to management to get you some time off? Pneumonia can be very serious…
--
11:53pm, Saturday
From: Kazu
To: J
Where are you? You said you were coming over tonight
--
12:01am, Saturday
From: Riida
To: Matsujun
Are you staying in hospital overnight?
--
6:15am, Sunday
From: Aiba
To: Jun
ARE YOU OKAY?!
--
6:26am, Sunday
From: Aiba
To: Jun
If you’re alive, please answer!
--
6:44am, Sunday
From: Sho-kun
To: Matsujun
Aiba-chan is really hysterical. Please let us know you’re okay ASAP
--
8:17am, Sunday
From: Aiba
To: Jun
Why am I always the last one to know things?
--
11:29am, Sunday
From: Aiba
To: Jun
Oh…never mind
--
11:36am, Sunday
From: Kazu
To: J
…told you
--
Jun frowned seeing the various messages his bandmates sent him. It was obvious they were all really worried about him. Since last night he had wondered if it’d been right to lie and tell Ohno he had pneumonia instead of revealing the truth of his cancer to the other members but seeing the level of concern in each of their texts, Jun knew he’d probably made the right call. If they were already this worked up believing he was suffering from something like pneumonia, there was no way Jun believed they could cope with the truth.
Looking through the texts and the times when he received each message, he began to question what had gone through their leader’s mind before informing the other three, and in what order he chose to tell them. From what he could gather, Ohno had informed each member of Jun’s reported condition individually rather than sending a collective message through their group chat. It would have been inconvenient, and seemed deliberate enough for Jun to suspect Ohno of knowing more than he ought to. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time he was able to perceive the untold details of another member’s circumstances.
Nino’s messages were painful to read and Jun didn’t know how he was supposed to feel receiving them. Nino being difficult or acting childish when a confronting situation arose was by no means anything Jun wasn’t already used to. It was never to say Nino didn’t care; he did and chose to show it in his own way, but with the weight of everything else Jun did not think he could handle his tendencies right now. It hurt to have to lie but the reaction the shorter guy showed only reminded him of why he’d chosen to hide his real condition in the first place. The time of the texts had Jun thinking Nino hadn’t been told until late this morning, and potentially by mistake if Aiba’s last message was anything to go off.
Jun didn’t know how to reply to any of them. The thought of sending them a brief message of reassurance that he was fine and they needn’t worry crossed his mind but it caused him to cringe. He hated lying to them. If he were to send such a thing, he would only drag himself deeper into this feeling of guilt as the lies escalated. But he needed to respond in some way, lest he leave his friends dangling in the uncertainty of his condition. He typed out a quick message to their leader. ‘Tell the others I am fine’ was what he settled on sending before shutting off his phone.
He trusted Ohno to do as he’d asked and in a way that would keep the other three at bay, even if the older man didn’t believe his message to be true. Sighing deeply, Jun leant back against the taxi’s headrest and shut his eyes. He knew he couldn’t keep up the charade forever but he would try, at least until he was ready for them all to know the truth.
Pairing: Matsumiya, Arashi/Jun
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: Plot is mine, Arashi is not. Unfortunately.
Summary: It was better that they just forget about him. It would hurt less in the long run.
Author's Note: More bias torture.
Chapter 2
The evening his condition was discovered had changed Jun’s life. Everything else suddenly became meaningless as an imminent death linger over him. The cancer was a curse on his life; a dark cloud that could not be shaken, hovering closer and closer until it threatened everything he held dear in his life. The doctor had been insistent on him staying overnight in the hospital for at least the first day following his diagnosis. Jun wanted to object but his enduring shock kept him compliant. Sleep did not come that night. His mind refused to rest, unable to even consider the prospect of sleep after all he’d been through. He was dying. He saw no point in trying to deny the obvious when even the experts had practically admitted it themselves that his chances of survival were virtually none. Eight to ten months was the estimated time frame they’d given him when he asked, immediately making Jun wish he’d kept his mouth shut and remained ignorant to his own timed demise. A brief explanation of what his treatment would consist of had been given to him earlier that evening but he could not remember much from it. Chemotherapy would likely help, they’d told him, but surgery was pointless considering the tumour had already spread. There was one thing the doctor had told him though that remained engraved in his memory no matter how much he longed to forget. Stage four lung cancer could not be cured.
Few people knew of his condition. Jun wasn’t sure who he should tell or in what order. Even how he would break the news to those he cared about was something he knew not how to accomplish. His family, his friends, the company—there was no telling how any of them would handle the announcement of his terminal illness. After hours of endless thought and searching his phone to learn more of his condition, Jun came to the eventual decision to inform the agency first. As long as he was under their management, Johnny’s had control over his life same as they had since the day he’d been handpicked by the president to enter the jimusho. There were strict regulations concerning sickness, injury and just about any hospitalization scenario that those in the agency were required to adhere to. Jun wasn’t aware if cancer was included under the conditions of being in Johnny’s but at least by telling them he hoped he might gain a slightly clearer idea of what he should do next. They’d been remarkably sympathetic to the news, Jun thought. He didn’t know what he was expecting, though on some level he supposed he feared they would end his contract then and there, but the degree of understanding he received upon informing them of his condition came as a pleasant surprise.
The negotiations came soon after as they discussed first and foremost what Jun wanted to do, then potential ways to work around the unfortunate circumstances that had befallen. He would continue his work in Arashi; his manager would reschedule his activities appropriately in conjunction with the doctor’s instruction, limiting the amount of physical and mental strain placed on the idol and freeing enough time in his agenda for the necessary treatments. For the time being the news of his condition was to remain strictly confidential. By doing so it would avoid panic from emerging among fans and keep the media from spreading unwanted scandals that were sure to damage his and Arashi’s reputation. Until further notice or a time when his condition was no longer possible to hide, Jun was given permission to tell only his immediate family and the other members of Arashi.
Jun had sent his parents and sister a message asking to meet with them tomorrow at their family home. He had not said anything else, not wishing to arouse suspicion that something was wrong. Divulging his devastating news would be hard enough to do in person, and he had absolutely no intent of doing it over the phone. Jun couldn’t even imagine how excruciating tomorrow would be. A son showered with affection by his parents, a little brother spoiled by his sister; he knew his family loved him dearly. In all honesty he didn’t want to tell them. To tell them would be to hurt them, and that was the last thing he wanted, but they were his family and at the very least had a right to know their child was nearing the end of his life.
The members were a different story though. Jun knew this the moment he opened his contacts to write a new message in keeping with his promise to Ohno. He typed out a single sentence that read ‘I have cancer’. It was short and to the point, but Jun found himself immediately deleting it. Sending something like that would only cause undesired turmoil. Unlike his family who would be by his side daily to help him in his fight against his disease, the members could not give their time to be with him. Jun doubted they wouldn’t want to or try to regardless, but it was unrealistic to hope it might be possible for them to be there with him. While the agency may have given him leniency with his schedule, he also knew the four of them would be made to work twice as hard in his absence. Their dynamic would change both when he was around and when he wasn’t, and fans would surely notice upset within the group. It was the same as when Aiba had been hospitalized. They would be made to bear the burden of knowing a member was suffering, possibly dying, but be forced to continue smiling for the cameras day in, day out and act as though everything was perfect when really it’d be killing them inside.
Jun couldn’t bring himself to do that to them. He typed out a second message, more reassuring and detailed than the first despite it being but a constructed lie. There was no avoiding some form of distress given Nino was already aware that he was sick and Ohno knew he’d been admitted to hospital, but that didn’t mean Jun had to tell them the truth of his condition straight away. If a simple lie for now was what it took to keep things from coming undone because of him, then so be it. He clicked send. Arashi meant everything to him. Causing pain to the other members was something he wanted to avoid at all costs, even if it meant suffering alone in silence.
There was no describing the feelings of dread Jun experienced when he arrived at his family house late the following morning. The hospital had discharged him for the day under the condition that he would return before 2pm for his first chemotherapy treatment. His manager called him in the taxi on the way and provided him with an update on his revised schedule. The filming for his upcoming drama had been postponed while several advertisement campaigns he’d been signed on had been switched to another member or else cancelled all together. The forthcoming recordings for their regular programs had also been reviewed and adapted to fit with his new activity level restrictions. Jun thanked his manager half-heartedly before hanging up with a sigh. It wasn’t that he didn’t appreciate all that his manager and the company was doing for him—on the contrary, he was beyond grateful for their strenuous efforts all for the sake of allowing him to stay in the entertainment world as long as possible. But it was difficult to remain positive with all he’d been through and all that was to come. It had taken years to adjust to having such a demanding lifestyle but now, with even just a few things removed, Jun felt bored and disappointed with himself. He always hated whenever people told him he couldn’t do something or that his ideas weren’t possible, and had always strived to prove them wrong by exceeding even his own visions and limits. Now things really were becoming impossible for him and he felt utterly weak.
The taxi arrived at his family’s address but Jun remained inside the vehicle for a while longer as he took a few minutes to collect himself and prepare for what was to come. There was no way of avoiding the confrontation he was about to walk into. It didn’t matter how much he’d tried to prepare himself for this moment prior to coming as all mental preparation vanished the instant he pulled up in front of the house he’d grown up in. Countless memories replayed over in his head while he walked through the yard to the front door, standing there for a moment before using whatever courage he could muster to raise his hand and knock.
“Jun-kun!" It was his sister’s voice that greeted him as the door swung open and Megumi’s arms were thrown around him to envelop him in a tight hug.
The familiar feeling of being in her warm embrace encircled Jun. He reminisced about all the times she’d held him like this in the past. When he’d suffered loneliness as a shy child in primary school or when he was discharged from hospital following his car accident, or had been accepted into Johnny’s without an audition; no matter what the circumstances, Megumi had always acted as an unrivalled support to Jun. It was the same now and was what allowed him to momentarily forget everything else and sink into the embrace that still felt so safe and comforting.
“It’s good to see you.”
Megumi beamed as she pulled out of the hug, much to Jun’s displeasure. He felt a sadness at the loss of her secure touch that made him feel so much like a small child again. The weight of everything he had come to tell his family came rushing back soon after their separation but he was given no time to think of much else before his sister turned on her heel and padded back down the hallway to the living room where Jun guessed their parents were.
“What are you waiting for?” she called after him, glancing back to see he was still standing in the doorway looking dazed. A small smile, half amused and half concerned, made its way onto her face.
Seeing it, Jun pushed the dark thoughts that had been circling his head to the back of his mind for the time being and followed her through the house. As expected their parents were waiting for them in the living area. Jun greeted them both in a kindly manner, apologizing for the sudden disturbance and thanking all three of them for agreeing to see him on such short notice. His mother dismissed his apology by stating he was always welcome while his sister poked fun at his sudden formalities. At the same time his father asked how he’d been.
“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about,” Jun admitted, going off his father’s question. He figured it was the perfect instigation to proceed with what he’d come to discuss, yet his mind drew a blank as all thoughts of what he should say disappeared before he could speak. His throat felt painfully dry, his palms damp from nerves. He’d practiced countless times last night and on the way there with what he would say and how best to say it. Now that he was actually there however, with his family standing before him, the words were lost.
“Is everything okay?” He heard his mother ask, her voice full of worry.
Unable to bring himself to make eye contact with any of them, Jun’s head dropped to his chest. His lips parted and the softest of sounds came out. “I have cancer.”
At first there was only silence that followed his quiet announcement. Jun would have wondered if they had heard him at all, if not for the three pairs of disbelieving eyes he could feel staring him down. He glanced up through his bangs to see the shocked faces of his family members. All of them were seemingly paralysed by the grave news they’d just been delivered. His mother’s eyes were wide and already brimming with tears while his father’s face had drained of all colour. A quiet wail sounded from across the room. Jun dared to turn his gaze to his sister, seeing the way her whole body was trembling from the news. Her hands had come up to cover her mouth and she stared straight back at her little brother, her eyes begging for him to tell her it wasn’t true. Jun held his gaze, his sombre expression deepening as though to silently and ruefully confirm this was real.
“You can be cured though, right?” His father asked, sounding both uncertain and desperate all at once. Jun opened his mouth to say no but closed it again soon after in favour of simply shaking his head. A pang of remorse stabbed at his heart when he saw his mother’s tears final fall.
“There’s an 18% chance of improving,” he said, deliberately providing the combined cancer stage statistic he’d come across in his online searching rather than the lower stage four one the doctor gave him in a weak attempt to keep his family from feeling even worse about his unfavourable circumstances. “But the cancer has spread too far from my lungs to be curable. Whether I live or die, it will be with me forever.”
There was a strangled whimper from behind Megumi’s hands and her knees buckled a moment later. Jun shut his eyes and turned away from the painful sight of watching his sister fall. Regret filled him at having made her come alone instead of allowing her to bring her husband and children as she might normally have done on any other occasion. The agency had been clear with who he could tell and while Jun was certain Megumi would probably end up telling her own family anyway, he felt the need to tell his parents and sister separately first.
Distracted by his sister’s distraught reaction, Jun failed to notice as his father approached him and pulled him into a hug. His hold was next to suffocating even with the way his arms seemed to shake.
“Fight,” was the word that reached Jun’s ears. When they pulled apart, their gazes met. “Do not give up, Jun.”
He nodded tentatively in response and turned to his mother who gave him a weak smile of reassurance. It looked all the more painful with the tear tracks running down her cheeks but Jun did his best to look past it and return the smile, hoping it would trigger some hope within her as well as himself. He risked glancing over at Megumi only to see she would not even try to look at him. She was holding herself with her arms, her head lowered as she bit her trembling bottom lip. Gathering as much strength as he could, Jun approached her.
“I’ll fight, nee-chan,” he promised and reached out to take one of her hands in his. She dared to turn her gaze slightly to look at him. Jun gave her hand a comforting squeeze and forced another smile. “I’m not done with life yet.”
His words seemed to have some sort of an affect as Megumi bowed her head to hide a thin smile which graced her lips. Jun loosened his grip but when he went to draw his hand back, his sister grasped it tight as though refusing to let him go out of fear it would be the last time she got to hold him. Her touch this time was different to what Jun was used to receiving from her. There was none of her usual comfort or security, which had instead been replaced by distress and a sense of dread that only increased his own anxieties of what was to come. He’d hoped by telling his family the burden bearing down on him might lessen somewhat as the people who would be his support through this harrowing time became involved. Instead it did nothing but add guilt to his ever-growing list of overwhelming emotions as he realized once again the torment he was inflicting on those he loved.
Jun returned to the hospital soon after his visit home. Initially he’d intended on staying longer but soon after his disclosure the atmosphere had turned uncomfortable and he found he no longer felt welcome in that household. He knew his family’s affection for him had not been altered in any way by his news—if anything they were demonstrating how much they cared for him now more than ever—but Jun couldn’t help feeling out of place amongst his family now that his condition had been revealed. After the shock and distraught had mostly worn off, he’d sensed their pity for him. It wasn’t what he wanted them to feel. For them to support him like he knew they would was something Jun appreciated and would try hard to show his gratitude for especially after dropping such a bombshell on them, but he didn’t care for being pitied even if it was unintentional.
He left shortly after revealing his news, apologizing once more for the short notice of his arrival. Neither his parents nor his sister acknowledged his polite words, though they were quick to assure him they would be coming to visit him in hospital later that day. Jun did not mention his intention to continue with his activities as an Arashi member. His family had always supported his career wholeheartedly but he couldn’t imagine them ever thinking it was a wise decision to carry on being an idol even while fighting cancer.
On his way back to the hospital, Jun took out his phone in the hopes to distract himself from the unpleasant treatment he was expected to begin once he returned. He’d done some additional research on chemotherapy last night but it had not at all contributed to getting a restful night’s sleep. Reading about the sort of treatments he would be given as well as the potential side effects he’d suffer over the course of the next few months, all the while knowing it would do nothing to cure his cancer all together, Jun was tempted not to return to hospital at all. He would be inflicting awful pain and various forms of torment on his body for a mere chance at a slightly prolonged life. It honestly didn’t seem all that worth it, but Jun would do it. He’d promised his family as well as himself that he would fight and that’s just what he intended on doing. He meant what he’d told Megumi; he wasn’t done with life just yet.
Unlocking his phone, Jun saw there were several new messages. He remembered receiving a text or two last night during his internet searching, though he’d chosen to ignore it at the time. Even as he opened his inbox he was slightly hesitant to see what kind of messages were waiting for him. There were a lot more than he remembered getting last night. All of them were from the other members, Jun realized as he scrolled through each one.
--
10:12pm, Saturday
From: Riida
To: Matsujun
Pneumonia ne? Rest well
--
11:47pm, Saturday
From: Sho-kun
To: Matsujun
Satoshi-kun just told me what happened. Are you alright? You should have told us you were sick. Do you need us to talk to management to get you some time off? Pneumonia can be very serious…
--
11:53pm, Saturday
From: Kazu
To: J
Where are you? You said you were coming over tonight
--
12:01am, Saturday
From: Riida
To: Matsujun
Are you staying in hospital overnight?
--
6:15am, Sunday
From: Aiba
To: Jun
ARE YOU OKAY?!
--
6:26am, Sunday
From: Aiba
To: Jun
If you’re alive, please answer!
--
6:44am, Sunday
From: Sho-kun
To: Matsujun
Aiba-chan is really hysterical. Please let us know you’re okay ASAP
--
8:17am, Sunday
From: Aiba
To: Jun
Why am I always the last one to know things?
--
11:29am, Sunday
From: Aiba
To: Jun
Oh…never mind
--
11:36am, Sunday
From: Kazu
To: J
…told you
--
Jun frowned seeing the various messages his bandmates sent him. It was obvious they were all really worried about him. Since last night he had wondered if it’d been right to lie and tell Ohno he had pneumonia instead of revealing the truth of his cancer to the other members but seeing the level of concern in each of their texts, Jun knew he’d probably made the right call. If they were already this worked up believing he was suffering from something like pneumonia, there was no way Jun believed they could cope with the truth.
Looking through the texts and the times when he received each message, he began to question what had gone through their leader’s mind before informing the other three, and in what order he chose to tell them. From what he could gather, Ohno had informed each member of Jun’s reported condition individually rather than sending a collective message through their group chat. It would have been inconvenient, and seemed deliberate enough for Jun to suspect Ohno of knowing more than he ought to. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time he was able to perceive the untold details of another member’s circumstances.
Nino’s messages were painful to read and Jun didn’t know how he was supposed to feel receiving them. Nino being difficult or acting childish when a confronting situation arose was by no means anything Jun wasn’t already used to. It was never to say Nino didn’t care; he did and chose to show it in his own way, but with the weight of everything else Jun did not think he could handle his tendencies right now. It hurt to have to lie but the reaction the shorter guy showed only reminded him of why he’d chosen to hide his real condition in the first place. The time of the texts had Jun thinking Nino hadn’t been told until late this morning, and potentially by mistake if Aiba’s last message was anything to go off.
Jun didn’t know how to reply to any of them. The thought of sending them a brief message of reassurance that he was fine and they needn’t worry crossed his mind but it caused him to cringe. He hated lying to them. If he were to send such a thing, he would only drag himself deeper into this feeling of guilt as the lies escalated. But he needed to respond in some way, lest he leave his friends dangling in the uncertainty of his condition. He typed out a quick message to their leader. ‘Tell the others I am fine’ was what he settled on sending before shutting off his phone.
He trusted Ohno to do as he’d asked and in a way that would keep the other three at bay, even if the older man didn’t believe his message to be true. Sighing deeply, Jun leant back against the taxi’s headrest and shut his eyes. He knew he couldn’t keep up the charade forever but he would try, at least until he was ready for them all to know the truth.
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Date: 2017-09-06 04:23 am (UTC)The message exchange between the members are just so arashi... each person's style of writing, style of message and way of showing concern is rlly on point.
When jun had to tell his sister about his cancer it broke my heart... and i cant imagine how his sister must be feeling