Affliction: Chapter 1
Aug. 30th, 2017 09:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
matsu1ninoTitle: Affliction
Pairing: Matsumiya, Arashi/Jun
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: Plot is mine, Arashi is not. Unfortunately.
Summary: It was better that they just forget about him. It would hurt less in the long run.
Author's Note: I cannot believe I'm actually posting this for Jun's birthday.
Chapter 1
Jun’s gaze was fixed on the laptop screen in front of him. His fingers tapped madly at the keys as he put his thoughts to words and pieced together the first draft of their next concert. It would be several months—more than half a year to be exact—before the tour actually commenced but he always felt the need to plan in advance. With their schedules as crowded as they were with their various activities, finding time to actually plan out concerts closer to the tour dates was far more challenging than Jun liked it to be.
He paused in his typing momentarily, just long enough to stifle a deep cough with the back of his arm before continuing. He knew he hadn’t been feeling all that well of late. He was experiencing shortness of breath much faster than usual, especially during rehearsals; there had been recurring pain in his chest for well over two weeks and the cough he had now was being frustratingly persistent. Regardless, Jun didn’t really think much of it. It wasn’t all that uncommon for his body to give in to infection around this time later in the year. When their previous tour concluded and the amount of time they had to rest increased was usually when illness struck as the strenuous routine he and the other members had grown used to suddenly vanished. It wasn’t anything he wasn’t already accustomed to handling. There was a packet of antibiotics in his bag that he’d been taking, albeit with little effect. Suppressing yet another cough, Jun did his best to shake away all thoughts of sickness and focus on the task at hand.
He stiffened when another body pressed against his back. Two slim arms wrapped around his neck, causing him to flinch at the unexpected touch. The pair of small hands clutched above his collarbone was enough of a clue as to who was holding him but Jun believed in all likelihood he would have known regardless. He hated when anyone touched him from behind, so much so that it’d become a rather well-known fact amongst those who knew him. Few people were game enough to try and gauge a reaction from him using such tactics but there was one who seemed to delight in approaching him this way. Jun reached up to stroke the other guy’s arm, his tension having lifted upon the realization of who it was standing behind him, and turned his gaze as the latter leant down to nuzzle his neck affectionately.
“Working hard as always I see, Jun-pon,” Nino purred with a voice like silk. He pulled back a little but kept his arms wound around Jun’s broad shoulders, placing a line of teasing kisses along his neck before whispering against his ear, “Hurry up and finish so we can play.”
A gleam of mischief appeared in Jun’s eyes as he freed himself from Nino’s insinuating embrace and deliberately turn back to his laptop. He tried not to grin when he heard the slightly older guy whine dramatically at being ignored.
“Later,” stated Jun decidedly and found he could not hold back his smile any longer as Nino sulkily slumped down into the chair next to him. He fell quiet for few moments, giving Jun the chance to return to the task he was initially working on.
“You’re coming over tonight right?”
Jun looked over to Nino again. His hands were under his thighs as he kicked his legs softly, his feet not quite reaching the ground. With his head slightly tipped to one side in question, Jun couldn’t help thinking how innocent he appeared. It was one of the things Jun had always liked about Nino; how he’d managed to retain that youthful appearance was a mystery in itself and like a child he always seemed to be able to get away with things, yet it was this more innocent side of him that Jun adored—a side to Nino which Jun felt only he was allowed to see. Affection swelled in his heart and he gave a nod in response.
Pleased at the answer he’d received, Nino leant forward to fold his arms on the desk, resting his head upon them while he watched the younger work. A fond smile made its way onto his face though it was almost entirely hidden by his arms.
The peaceful silence that had settled between them was brought to an abrupt end when arid air caught in Jun’s lungs and sent him into a violent coughing fit. Concern filled Nino’s expression and he lifted his head immediately, his eyes wide.
“You’re sick.” It was not a question. Jun threw a side-glance at him as he struggled to catch his breath, shaking his head as though to deny his fellow member’s claim. Nino’s gaze hardened. “Don’t lie. Why didn’t you tell us you were sick?”
“I’m fine,” Jun rasped, hating how hoarse and contradicting his voice sounded. He knew there was no chance of Nino believing his words of reassurance when they were obviously untrue but Jun stubbornly refused to admit he was anything but healthy. He didn’t want to be sick; there was no time for him to be sick, and he would be fine either way. He always was.
“How long?”
Jun rolled his eyes at his bandmate’s stern question. “I told you, I’m not—”
“How long?” Nino cut him off, his tone disturbingly lacking in emotion as he spoke each word slow and with emphasis.
Their eyes met even as Jun tried to avoid Nino’s glaring gaze burning into him relentlessly. He hated when his lover gave him that look, knowing it would only be a matter of time until all his walls crumbled, leaving him weak with his secrets exposed. Even so, Jun stubbornly refused to admit ailment. If Nino were to know just how long he’d been hiding his ill-health, he would surely be made to suffer for it. He bit down hard on his tongue and turned away. Immediately he regrated responding in such a way, especially when he heard the screech of the metal chair legs scraping against the floor as Nino stood up abruptly.
“Get some rest, Jun.” There was something cold and commanding about Nino’s voice. “What good is it to the rest of us if you work yourself to death?”
His words rung out even as he paced out of the room, the door swinging shut behind him with a loud clatter. Jun sighed softly and leant back in his chair, covering his face with his hands. He couldn’t really blame Nino for being frustrated; he acted much in the same way when any one of them became sick or injured or tried to hide even the smallest of complications with their health. They all did. Ever since Aiba’s pneumothorax scare, the members had become highly sensitive in regards to each other’s state of health. It was because of this that Jun hadn’t told any of them of his own illness. He didn’t wish for any of them to make a fuss about it when it was probably just a simple chest infection. It was nothing he couldn’t manage on his own with scheduled rest, subtle pull back where needed in their more strenuous activities and some prescription antibiotics. The last thing he needed or wanted was for the other four members to worry unnecessarily about him.
Checking the time, Jun closed his laptop and packed up the rest of his things from their dressing room before making his way down the hallway to the rehearsal studio. It was already quite late. Their activities had concluded for the day a little under an hour ago and Jun was fairly sure the other members had already headed home. It wasn’t unusual for him to stay back longer than the rest, whether it be to finalize details of upcoming events with the staff or to get in some additional choreography practice. Jun had hoped to be able to get perhaps another twenty minutes or so of practice before leaving to fine-tune the difficult choreography of their latest single. They were scheduled to perform it in a few days’ time when they guested on Music Station and Jun was determined to perfect it by then. Afterwards he would head to Nino’s as promised. By then he guessed the gamer would have had the time to cool off from their earlier incident and with any luck would still be in the mood for their intended evening together.
The rehearsal room was completely deserted. Flicking on the lights, Jun set his belongings down by the wall and headed closer to the centre of the room. Even after all so many years of staying late and practicing alone, he still found it strange to be so isolated in such a large space. As he moved, following the choreography they’d learnt as five in his mind, Jun noticed his movements were sloppier than usual. It always took some time to get into the flow of things but he was never normally this careless. He was mistiming his steps, confusing one motion with another as they jumbled together in his head until he was unable to make sense of what he was doing. His breathing too began to hasten once more and Jun felt his chest tighten uncomfortably.
As he bent down low to perform the next step, a spasm shot through his upper body. His legs lost strength and gave way beneath him, unable to support his own weight. A sharp metallic taste filled the inside of his mouth. Blood gushed forth from his lips when a violent cough racked his lungs, the scarlet liquid dribbling through his fingers and splattering onto the floor as he raised a hand to cover his mouth. Jun could feel the world around him beginning to spin as a dizzying spell overcame him; the sudden light-headedness had him swaying even from where he lay crouched on the ground. His body lost all remaining strength and he collapsed in a trembling heap. There was a flash of bright colour in his line of vision followed by a sheen of white that faded into black nothing as lost his grip on the waking world and tumbled into darkness.
---
Even before fully regaining consciousness Jun knew he was no longer in the rehearsal room. The air around him was sterile and there was a tube under his nose. The sounds that reached his ears were foreign, the hard floor he’d collapsed on had been replaced by a stiff mattress bed, and the smell of antiseptic seemed to surround him. Opening his eyes was a struggle as pain returned to his waking body. Jun winced at the twinge occurring in his chest when he attempted to pull himself upright. The bed he lay upon was unfamiliar but he quickly recognized where he was. Panic flooded in mind and he struggled against both the blankets and the pain in an effort to get to his feet. The distinctive beeping of the heart monitor adjacent to his bed began to hasten as his heartrate escalated.
“Matsumoto-san!” cried a voice Jun didn’t recognize. He saw a blur of white cross the room from near the door while strangers’ hands landed on his shoulders in an attempt to restrain him. Their actions only caused him to struggle more. He could hear multiple voices telling him to stop fighting, words which he refused to listen to, before one cut through stronger than the rest.
“Matsujun!”
Jun felt himself freeze at the familiarity of the voice which had sounded. Like a light shining in the darkness of his confusion, it lifted all uncertainty from his mind and allowed him to think straight for the first time since regaining consciousness. His limbs stopped thrashing and both his heartrate and breathing started to slow to a steady pace. Staring into those calming eyes, Jun’s body lost all tension and flopped back against the pillows behind him.
“Oh-chan…” he whispered, out of breath and still in a daze but far less agitated than he had been moments ago. Ohno nodded and reached out his hand to grasp Jun’s, gently moving his thumb over the skin in soothing strokes.
“You’re in the hospital,” Ohno told him.
Despite already knowing this himself, Jun glanced around the hospital room once more. He noticed the other people standing around him who had been trying to calm him down earlier. With his head clearer thanks to Ohno’s reassuring presence he was able to recognize they were hospital staff.
Jun looked back to Arashi’s leader. “Why are we here?” The sudden albeit fragmented memory of his collapse returned to his recollection. He remembered experiencing an intense pain in his chest and feeling as though he couldn’t breathe.
“You collapsed.” The response was blunt. Ohno’s gaze was earnest and reflected a silent fear quite unlike anything Jun had ever seen from the older man. “When I went by the rehearsal studio I saw you unconscious in a pool of your own blood.”
“I remember passing out,” Jun admitted, avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room. The taste of bile had risen in the back of his throat at the rather vivid recollection Ohno had given. When a stray thought entered his mind, he lifted his gaze and looked back to his fellow member. “I thought everyone had already left.”
Ohno glanced down at the device in his hand, a woeful yet grateful glint in his eyes. “I forgot my phone.”
His sentence trailed off and Jun was left feeling unsure of what to say. A hundred thoughts were racing through his mind at that moment. He knew he ought to speak, to thank Ohno for returning and finding him when he had, and yet he could not. His mouth was dry and it felt like any words he tried to articulate now would only suffocate him. Ohno continued to stare at his phone, his other hand still connected with Jun’s.
“Excuse me.” The uncomfortable silence that had settled between members was broken when the doctor approached the two of them. Both turned as he walked over. Jun noticed the two nurses that had also been in the room before had now disappeared. “Matsumoto-san, we will need to run some diagnostic tests.”
“Tests?” Jun repeated, his eyes narrowing. “I’m fine. It’s just a cough, no big deal.”
“While that may well be the case,” the doctor agreed. “The amount of blood you are reported to have coughed up is worrying and could be a potential symptom of a many number of illnesses. It is best to evaluate your body’s condition now so that we may be able to take appropriate measures if any abnormalities are found.”
Unease filled Jun’s mind following the doctor’s words and he looked to Ohno, almost as if in search for permission or guidance on what he should do. Ohno seemed to sense this and gave a small nod of encouragement in the younger’s direction. The doctor led Jun out from the private hospital room to conduct the first of several diagnostics. When he reached the doorway, Jun turned back momentarily.
“You can go,” he told Ohno, cutting him off when the older man opened his mouth to protest. “There’s no need for you to be stuck here so late. You’ve already done enough for me.”
“Are you sure?” There was obvious hesitation in Ohno’s voice. Jun forced a smile after seeing the concern lingering in his friend’s gaze.
“I’m sure.” He tried to make himself sound confident. “I’ll contact you as soon as the results come through.”
He did not wait for Ohno to respond before turning on his heel and following the doctor out into the hallway. He wasn’t sure whether to feel regret or content at his decision. Part of him wanted his friend to have stayed as support through this unknown process but Jun refused, knowing another member being there would only increase his own worries about the potential results. He didn’t need that added stress right now. He would be fine—he had to be fine—and once he knew that he could tell the other members there really had been nothing to worry about.
The doctor led him to an x-ray room and talked him through the procedures they were about to undertake. His personal clothing changed into light-weight hospital wear; his feet were made bare as he stepped up to the machine. From there, everything else became a blur. The nurses gingerly prepped him for each of the tests, clearly knowing who he was even with how they tried to act ignorant for the sake of being professional. Jun didn’t care though. He just wanted this experience to be over as soon as possible. He allowed his mind to go almost entirely blank as he was underwent every x-ray, CT scan and biopsy, and took no heed when samples of his blood and other fluids were taken by the nurses after the major examinations were complete.
The whole process was exhaustingly drawn out yet passed surprisingly quickly, Jun thought as he sat in wait for the results to be given to him. He began to wish he’d asked Ohno to stay, to give him that extra bit of encouragement that all would be okay when his own insecurities broke through. Previous anxieties he’d buried deep down or chosen to ignore in regards to what condition he might have rose up in the terrible silence bearing down on him the longer time went on. He’d never considered himself to be an overly patient person in the past; he was the type to want and need certainty in life, to know every detail so that he might be able to control a situation as best he could. Instances like these were akin to a nightmare to Jun. To be in constant wait of something unknown and that he could not control—not knowing whether he wanted time to go faster or to stop completely before the news he’d been anticipating finally reached him, simply out of the fear of what it would entail should that news be good or bad. He despised situations like these. They made him feel weak and vulnerable, and more uncertain than ever before.
When the doctor finally entered the room with the results in hand, Jun feigned a look of indifference so to hide the anxiety he felt. There was no denying how hard his heart was pounding at that very moment though. Time felt like it was going agonizingly slow as the doctor took a seat opposite the idol, an array of emotions fleetingly flickering across his expression before he became straight-faced.
“Allow me to explain the test results.” Even his voice was steady albeit forced, like he was deliberately pushing back any shred of emotion to keep his own subjective feelings from affecting what he had to say. “Unfortunately Matsumoto-san, you have adenocarcinoma, cancer of the lungs.”
“Eh?” It came out as more of a quiet squeak than anything else. Jun wasn’t sure he would even be heard over the thunderous sound of the blood rushing through his ears while his heart hammered against his ribcage.
“The tests have shown you have a tumour in your right lung,” the doctor went on. His eyes became downcast while his voice took on a more solemn tone. “If found early enough the isolated tumour may be treated with surgery, however your CT scan has revealed the cancer has already spread to several parts of your body.”
“How is that possible?”
The doctor sighed. “It is not an uncommon occurrence. Nearly 40% of newly diagnosed patients already have stage 4 cancer as you do. Symptoms do not always show in the early stages, nor do abnormalities always appear in x-rays. In healthy individuals like yourself where cancer would not typically be suspected, determining an accurate diagnosis based on common indicators of ill-health is never guaranteed.”
A trembling whisper was all Jun could manage. “I’m only thirty-four, I haven’t smoked in years…this doesn’t make any sense.” He was talking more to himself than anything else.
He didn’t understand. Cancer was supposed to happen to those who were old and frail, whose immune systems were too weak to support them. He was healthy. He was young. He was an idol. Cancer wasn’t supposed to happen to him.
“I’m afraid this particular type of cancer can manifest in anyone, Matsumoto-san—at any age, of any smoking status.”
“Will I recover?” Jun was honestly terrified of asking. He didn’t want to know; he needed to but the very thought of what answer he would be given chilled him to the bone.
“Typically the survival rate at this stage…less than 10%.”
Everything around him went numb. The rest of what the doctor was telling him became nothing more than a muffled hum as Jun fell into a sort of dazed trance. He couldn’t breathe. His chest was painfully tight, his mind struggling to make sense of what he’d been told. The words refused to settle inside his head. Stage four cancer of the lungs, a tumour already spread, his chance of survival: less than 10%. Jun thought he was going to be sick.
Pairing: Matsumiya, Arashi/Jun
Genre: Angst
Disclaimer: Plot is mine, Arashi is not. Unfortunately.
Summary: It was better that they just forget about him. It would hurt less in the long run.
Author's Note: I cannot believe I'm actually posting this for Jun's birthday.
Chapter 1
Jun’s gaze was fixed on the laptop screen in front of him. His fingers tapped madly at the keys as he put his thoughts to words and pieced together the first draft of their next concert. It would be several months—more than half a year to be exact—before the tour actually commenced but he always felt the need to plan in advance. With their schedules as crowded as they were with their various activities, finding time to actually plan out concerts closer to the tour dates was far more challenging than Jun liked it to be.
He paused in his typing momentarily, just long enough to stifle a deep cough with the back of his arm before continuing. He knew he hadn’t been feeling all that well of late. He was experiencing shortness of breath much faster than usual, especially during rehearsals; there had been recurring pain in his chest for well over two weeks and the cough he had now was being frustratingly persistent. Regardless, Jun didn’t really think much of it. It wasn’t all that uncommon for his body to give in to infection around this time later in the year. When their previous tour concluded and the amount of time they had to rest increased was usually when illness struck as the strenuous routine he and the other members had grown used to suddenly vanished. It wasn’t anything he wasn’t already accustomed to handling. There was a packet of antibiotics in his bag that he’d been taking, albeit with little effect. Suppressing yet another cough, Jun did his best to shake away all thoughts of sickness and focus on the task at hand.
He stiffened when another body pressed against his back. Two slim arms wrapped around his neck, causing him to flinch at the unexpected touch. The pair of small hands clutched above his collarbone was enough of a clue as to who was holding him but Jun believed in all likelihood he would have known regardless. He hated when anyone touched him from behind, so much so that it’d become a rather well-known fact amongst those who knew him. Few people were game enough to try and gauge a reaction from him using such tactics but there was one who seemed to delight in approaching him this way. Jun reached up to stroke the other guy’s arm, his tension having lifted upon the realization of who it was standing behind him, and turned his gaze as the latter leant down to nuzzle his neck affectionately.
“Working hard as always I see, Jun-pon,” Nino purred with a voice like silk. He pulled back a little but kept his arms wound around Jun’s broad shoulders, placing a line of teasing kisses along his neck before whispering against his ear, “Hurry up and finish so we can play.”
A gleam of mischief appeared in Jun’s eyes as he freed himself from Nino’s insinuating embrace and deliberately turn back to his laptop. He tried not to grin when he heard the slightly older guy whine dramatically at being ignored.
“Later,” stated Jun decidedly and found he could not hold back his smile any longer as Nino sulkily slumped down into the chair next to him. He fell quiet for few moments, giving Jun the chance to return to the task he was initially working on.
“You’re coming over tonight right?”
Jun looked over to Nino again. His hands were under his thighs as he kicked his legs softly, his feet not quite reaching the ground. With his head slightly tipped to one side in question, Jun couldn’t help thinking how innocent he appeared. It was one of the things Jun had always liked about Nino; how he’d managed to retain that youthful appearance was a mystery in itself and like a child he always seemed to be able to get away with things, yet it was this more innocent side of him that Jun adored—a side to Nino which Jun felt only he was allowed to see. Affection swelled in his heart and he gave a nod in response.
Pleased at the answer he’d received, Nino leant forward to fold his arms on the desk, resting his head upon them while he watched the younger work. A fond smile made its way onto his face though it was almost entirely hidden by his arms.
The peaceful silence that had settled between them was brought to an abrupt end when arid air caught in Jun’s lungs and sent him into a violent coughing fit. Concern filled Nino’s expression and he lifted his head immediately, his eyes wide.
“You’re sick.” It was not a question. Jun threw a side-glance at him as he struggled to catch his breath, shaking his head as though to deny his fellow member’s claim. Nino’s gaze hardened. “Don’t lie. Why didn’t you tell us you were sick?”
“I’m fine,” Jun rasped, hating how hoarse and contradicting his voice sounded. He knew there was no chance of Nino believing his words of reassurance when they were obviously untrue but Jun stubbornly refused to admit he was anything but healthy. He didn’t want to be sick; there was no time for him to be sick, and he would be fine either way. He always was.
“How long?”
Jun rolled his eyes at his bandmate’s stern question. “I told you, I’m not—”
“How long?” Nino cut him off, his tone disturbingly lacking in emotion as he spoke each word slow and with emphasis.
Their eyes met even as Jun tried to avoid Nino’s glaring gaze burning into him relentlessly. He hated when his lover gave him that look, knowing it would only be a matter of time until all his walls crumbled, leaving him weak with his secrets exposed. Even so, Jun stubbornly refused to admit ailment. If Nino were to know just how long he’d been hiding his ill-health, he would surely be made to suffer for it. He bit down hard on his tongue and turned away. Immediately he regrated responding in such a way, especially when he heard the screech of the metal chair legs scraping against the floor as Nino stood up abruptly.
“Get some rest, Jun.” There was something cold and commanding about Nino’s voice. “What good is it to the rest of us if you work yourself to death?”
His words rung out even as he paced out of the room, the door swinging shut behind him with a loud clatter. Jun sighed softly and leant back in his chair, covering his face with his hands. He couldn’t really blame Nino for being frustrated; he acted much in the same way when any one of them became sick or injured or tried to hide even the smallest of complications with their health. They all did. Ever since Aiba’s pneumothorax scare, the members had become highly sensitive in regards to each other’s state of health. It was because of this that Jun hadn’t told any of them of his own illness. He didn’t wish for any of them to make a fuss about it when it was probably just a simple chest infection. It was nothing he couldn’t manage on his own with scheduled rest, subtle pull back where needed in their more strenuous activities and some prescription antibiotics. The last thing he needed or wanted was for the other four members to worry unnecessarily about him.
Checking the time, Jun closed his laptop and packed up the rest of his things from their dressing room before making his way down the hallway to the rehearsal studio. It was already quite late. Their activities had concluded for the day a little under an hour ago and Jun was fairly sure the other members had already headed home. It wasn’t unusual for him to stay back longer than the rest, whether it be to finalize details of upcoming events with the staff or to get in some additional choreography practice. Jun had hoped to be able to get perhaps another twenty minutes or so of practice before leaving to fine-tune the difficult choreography of their latest single. They were scheduled to perform it in a few days’ time when they guested on Music Station and Jun was determined to perfect it by then. Afterwards he would head to Nino’s as promised. By then he guessed the gamer would have had the time to cool off from their earlier incident and with any luck would still be in the mood for their intended evening together.
The rehearsal room was completely deserted. Flicking on the lights, Jun set his belongings down by the wall and headed closer to the centre of the room. Even after all so many years of staying late and practicing alone, he still found it strange to be so isolated in such a large space. As he moved, following the choreography they’d learnt as five in his mind, Jun noticed his movements were sloppier than usual. It always took some time to get into the flow of things but he was never normally this careless. He was mistiming his steps, confusing one motion with another as they jumbled together in his head until he was unable to make sense of what he was doing. His breathing too began to hasten once more and Jun felt his chest tighten uncomfortably.
As he bent down low to perform the next step, a spasm shot through his upper body. His legs lost strength and gave way beneath him, unable to support his own weight. A sharp metallic taste filled the inside of his mouth. Blood gushed forth from his lips when a violent cough racked his lungs, the scarlet liquid dribbling through his fingers and splattering onto the floor as he raised a hand to cover his mouth. Jun could feel the world around him beginning to spin as a dizzying spell overcame him; the sudden light-headedness had him swaying even from where he lay crouched on the ground. His body lost all remaining strength and he collapsed in a trembling heap. There was a flash of bright colour in his line of vision followed by a sheen of white that faded into black nothing as lost his grip on the waking world and tumbled into darkness.
---
Even before fully regaining consciousness Jun knew he was no longer in the rehearsal room. The air around him was sterile and there was a tube under his nose. The sounds that reached his ears were foreign, the hard floor he’d collapsed on had been replaced by a stiff mattress bed, and the smell of antiseptic seemed to surround him. Opening his eyes was a struggle as pain returned to his waking body. Jun winced at the twinge occurring in his chest when he attempted to pull himself upright. The bed he lay upon was unfamiliar but he quickly recognized where he was. Panic flooded in mind and he struggled against both the blankets and the pain in an effort to get to his feet. The distinctive beeping of the heart monitor adjacent to his bed began to hasten as his heartrate escalated.
“Matsumoto-san!” cried a voice Jun didn’t recognize. He saw a blur of white cross the room from near the door while strangers’ hands landed on his shoulders in an attempt to restrain him. Their actions only caused him to struggle more. He could hear multiple voices telling him to stop fighting, words which he refused to listen to, before one cut through stronger than the rest.
“Matsujun!”
Jun felt himself freeze at the familiarity of the voice which had sounded. Like a light shining in the darkness of his confusion, it lifted all uncertainty from his mind and allowed him to think straight for the first time since regaining consciousness. His limbs stopped thrashing and both his heartrate and breathing started to slow to a steady pace. Staring into those calming eyes, Jun’s body lost all tension and flopped back against the pillows behind him.
“Oh-chan…” he whispered, out of breath and still in a daze but far less agitated than he had been moments ago. Ohno nodded and reached out his hand to grasp Jun’s, gently moving his thumb over the skin in soothing strokes.
“You’re in the hospital,” Ohno told him.
Despite already knowing this himself, Jun glanced around the hospital room once more. He noticed the other people standing around him who had been trying to calm him down earlier. With his head clearer thanks to Ohno’s reassuring presence he was able to recognize they were hospital staff.
Jun looked back to Arashi’s leader. “Why are we here?” The sudden albeit fragmented memory of his collapse returned to his recollection. He remembered experiencing an intense pain in his chest and feeling as though he couldn’t breathe.
“You collapsed.” The response was blunt. Ohno’s gaze was earnest and reflected a silent fear quite unlike anything Jun had ever seen from the older man. “When I went by the rehearsal studio I saw you unconscious in a pool of your own blood.”
“I remember passing out,” Jun admitted, avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room. The taste of bile had risen in the back of his throat at the rather vivid recollection Ohno had given. When a stray thought entered his mind, he lifted his gaze and looked back to his fellow member. “I thought everyone had already left.”
Ohno glanced down at the device in his hand, a woeful yet grateful glint in his eyes. “I forgot my phone.”
His sentence trailed off and Jun was left feeling unsure of what to say. A hundred thoughts were racing through his mind at that moment. He knew he ought to speak, to thank Ohno for returning and finding him when he had, and yet he could not. His mouth was dry and it felt like any words he tried to articulate now would only suffocate him. Ohno continued to stare at his phone, his other hand still connected with Jun’s.
“Excuse me.” The uncomfortable silence that had settled between members was broken when the doctor approached the two of them. Both turned as he walked over. Jun noticed the two nurses that had also been in the room before had now disappeared. “Matsumoto-san, we will need to run some diagnostic tests.”
“Tests?” Jun repeated, his eyes narrowing. “I’m fine. It’s just a cough, no big deal.”
“While that may well be the case,” the doctor agreed. “The amount of blood you are reported to have coughed up is worrying and could be a potential symptom of a many number of illnesses. It is best to evaluate your body’s condition now so that we may be able to take appropriate measures if any abnormalities are found.”
Unease filled Jun’s mind following the doctor’s words and he looked to Ohno, almost as if in search for permission or guidance on what he should do. Ohno seemed to sense this and gave a small nod of encouragement in the younger’s direction. The doctor led Jun out from the private hospital room to conduct the first of several diagnostics. When he reached the doorway, Jun turned back momentarily.
“You can go,” he told Ohno, cutting him off when the older man opened his mouth to protest. “There’s no need for you to be stuck here so late. You’ve already done enough for me.”
“Are you sure?” There was obvious hesitation in Ohno’s voice. Jun forced a smile after seeing the concern lingering in his friend’s gaze.
“I’m sure.” He tried to make himself sound confident. “I’ll contact you as soon as the results come through.”
He did not wait for Ohno to respond before turning on his heel and following the doctor out into the hallway. He wasn’t sure whether to feel regret or content at his decision. Part of him wanted his friend to have stayed as support through this unknown process but Jun refused, knowing another member being there would only increase his own worries about the potential results. He didn’t need that added stress right now. He would be fine—he had to be fine—and once he knew that he could tell the other members there really had been nothing to worry about.
The doctor led him to an x-ray room and talked him through the procedures they were about to undertake. His personal clothing changed into light-weight hospital wear; his feet were made bare as he stepped up to the machine. From there, everything else became a blur. The nurses gingerly prepped him for each of the tests, clearly knowing who he was even with how they tried to act ignorant for the sake of being professional. Jun didn’t care though. He just wanted this experience to be over as soon as possible. He allowed his mind to go almost entirely blank as he was underwent every x-ray, CT scan and biopsy, and took no heed when samples of his blood and other fluids were taken by the nurses after the major examinations were complete.
The whole process was exhaustingly drawn out yet passed surprisingly quickly, Jun thought as he sat in wait for the results to be given to him. He began to wish he’d asked Ohno to stay, to give him that extra bit of encouragement that all would be okay when his own insecurities broke through. Previous anxieties he’d buried deep down or chosen to ignore in regards to what condition he might have rose up in the terrible silence bearing down on him the longer time went on. He’d never considered himself to be an overly patient person in the past; he was the type to want and need certainty in life, to know every detail so that he might be able to control a situation as best he could. Instances like these were akin to a nightmare to Jun. To be in constant wait of something unknown and that he could not control—not knowing whether he wanted time to go faster or to stop completely before the news he’d been anticipating finally reached him, simply out of the fear of what it would entail should that news be good or bad. He despised situations like these. They made him feel weak and vulnerable, and more uncertain than ever before.
When the doctor finally entered the room with the results in hand, Jun feigned a look of indifference so to hide the anxiety he felt. There was no denying how hard his heart was pounding at that very moment though. Time felt like it was going agonizingly slow as the doctor took a seat opposite the idol, an array of emotions fleetingly flickering across his expression before he became straight-faced.
“Allow me to explain the test results.” Even his voice was steady albeit forced, like he was deliberately pushing back any shred of emotion to keep his own subjective feelings from affecting what he had to say. “Unfortunately Matsumoto-san, you have adenocarcinoma, cancer of the lungs.”
“Eh?” It came out as more of a quiet squeak than anything else. Jun wasn’t sure he would even be heard over the thunderous sound of the blood rushing through his ears while his heart hammered against his ribcage.
“The tests have shown you have a tumour in your right lung,” the doctor went on. His eyes became downcast while his voice took on a more solemn tone. “If found early enough the isolated tumour may be treated with surgery, however your CT scan has revealed the cancer has already spread to several parts of your body.”
“How is that possible?”
The doctor sighed. “It is not an uncommon occurrence. Nearly 40% of newly diagnosed patients already have stage 4 cancer as you do. Symptoms do not always show in the early stages, nor do abnormalities always appear in x-rays. In healthy individuals like yourself where cancer would not typically be suspected, determining an accurate diagnosis based on common indicators of ill-health is never guaranteed.”
A trembling whisper was all Jun could manage. “I’m only thirty-four, I haven’t smoked in years…this doesn’t make any sense.” He was talking more to himself than anything else.
He didn’t understand. Cancer was supposed to happen to those who were old and frail, whose immune systems were too weak to support them. He was healthy. He was young. He was an idol. Cancer wasn’t supposed to happen to him.
“I’m afraid this particular type of cancer can manifest in anyone, Matsumoto-san—at any age, of any smoking status.”
“Will I recover?” Jun was honestly terrified of asking. He didn’t want to know; he needed to but the very thought of what answer he would be given chilled him to the bone.
“Typically the survival rate at this stage…less than 10%.”
Everything around him went numb. The rest of what the doctor was telling him became nothing more than a muffled hum as Jun fell into a sort of dazed trance. He couldn’t breathe. His chest was painfully tight, his mind struggling to make sense of what he’d been told. The words refused to settle inside his head. Stage four cancer of the lungs, a tumour already spread, his chance of survival: less than 10%. Jun thought he was going to be sick.
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Date: 2017-08-30 12:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-08-30 02:21 pm (UTC)on the other note, i knew that you gave jun some kind of terminal sickness... it still doesnt feel good reading it but.. these kind of fics are always so sad and... scary
But it is just a fic and hopefully would never happen irl..
On the other hand i liked that bit of matsumiya fluff in the beginning heheh but wonder how nino will react :( probs jun is gonna push him away so he doesn't get hurt or make nino hate him/forget him somehow